We all have our own ideas of what it means to be successful. In one person’s opinion, to be successful is to have lots of money, fancy cars and a nice house. To another, it could be to get married and have children. When each of us have our own opinion of ‘success’, we also have our own opinion of failure.
This is a very personal post for me to be sharing, but since my recent posts on here have been sharing more about my insecurities and fears, I feel like it should be something I air out.
If there’s anything I’m the most scared of in life, it’s being lonely.
So it’s that time of the year, where everyone is finishing the year at University, or even finishing their degrees, and I still have three months of stressful dissertation work to go until I’m finally free. And while I’m trying to get into a good routine – going to bed early, waking up early, drinking more water – it’s actually becoming a real struggle for me to sleep. And when I can’t sleep, it’s normally because I’m thinking too much. Shock horror, right? And tonight, I’m staying up to think about body positivity.
Recently the concept of thinking vs. feeling has been floating about in my brain, especially in the last few days. Doing too much of either can be quite dangerous to a person’s state of mind, and getting the perfect balance seems basically impossible to achieve – so how do we know which one we do?
‘It’s hard allowing confidence to fuel me instead of fear’
– Miz Cracker
Unsurprisingly, I’m starting this post off with a quote from one of my favourite drag queens from season 10 of Ru Paul’s Drag Race. In the last episode of Untucked, she spoke about how there’s always something stopping her from loving herself, and believing in herself – and that’s doubt. She also said how young people should start teaching themselves self-love quick, before it becomes too late, and that put a lot of thoughts into my mind.
Some days I’ll sit and watch people for hours. It’s quite entertaining really. You notice things you probably wouldn’t notice just from a brief glance. Recently I’ve noticed some shifts in the dynamics of the camp – the way Darren, our camp leader, looks at Mandy when he thinks his wife isn’t looking, or the fact that June now sits alone instead of with other doctors at dinner time. In times like this, it’s hard to find any other entertainment.
Everybody at school liked Jack. The way he laughed, the way he sang, the way he danced. Everything. He lit up every room he was in. Even the times when Miss Finnigan would let them watch a film at the end of term and switch all the lights off, you could see him glowing in the dark. His presence was luminous.
To say I’ve been excited for this film would be a massive understatement.
There’s something strangely satisfying about seeing the dead from a distance. Maybe it’s the sense of security. That even if the walking corpse was to see me, I’m too far away for it to reach me. They stumble around the docks, unaware of anything but themselves. I can feel the cold surface of the grass stabbing into my thighs, but I’m used to it by now.